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we x e g e s i s |
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(noun) An explanation or critical interpretation.
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wSaturday, February 07, 2004 |
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Thinking that I might make a quick detour before work today to pick up my PowerBook, I gave myself enough time to do that and be early for work. However, I found myself held hostage by a garbage truck on a one-way street with no way out. So as I sat there absolutely helpless, I could almost feel the aggression and resentment surging back into my body. Having a schedule again, having to be at certain places to do certain things at very specific times, the friggin' inconsiderate drivers...they're all sucking me back into the old life. I guess it's the responsibilities and circumstances (the same resposibilities that used to make me feel better about, or at least distract me from, my life without family) from work, school and whatnot that are just eating me up inside.
Now here I am again. Every breath I take is only putting more poison into my body, no doubt about it. It burns inside and feeds the cancerous growth that must be nearly fully mature by now. I wonder if people will start to smarten up when the first of us succumbs to lung cancer. Probably not. They'll just go out, get drunk, get high, and forget about it.
It's hard enough to listen to people grouse every single day about the smallest things, but to have to smile and say things that I don't even believe at the moment (like, "It will be okay." and other irritatingly and stupidly optimistic comments) is like pouring salt on the gaping wound.
How on earth did I get here?
It's heartbreaking when you realize that your need to feel useful overpowers your need to feel loved and to feel like you're a part of something truly timeless and startlingly deeply fulfilling. It's enough to make you feel ashamed of yourself.
This place quite effectively chases away the feelings of euphoria that had put me back on the same team as the rest of the world.
All this garble probably doesn't make sense but I really couldn't care less right now. I bet in a few more weeks, I'll be back to my miserable old self that survives best under these conditions. Everyone will be thrilled but me.
posted by
Angie at 5:29 PM
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